Thursday, 15 June 2017

Positive Post :)

So my last blog post was a bit whingy -  okay a LOT whingy - Can I blame it on hormones? It was that time of the month and I was grumpy but I am over it now :)

Today I am feeling so much better about life in general. The last week I have been back at the gym I have done 3 sessions and I'm not lying I have forgotten what it feels like to move without pain! But it's  good pain in that it's an I'm aching because I have worked my damn ass off sort of pain! My ankle is a lot better - I still dont have full rotation, flexion or movement and stairs especially are still a struggle both going up and down reciprocally but it's getting there. I've  invested in a really good ankle support for the bad ankle and also a sports support for my good ankle.

I'm also feeling super positive about roller derby training too :) I still suck but there is improvement! I've finally done a few of the minimum skills, I'm not brilliant at stopping but I am better and I have finally started doing some contact too! I am chatting more to the others at the skate sessions and dont feel quite  so excluded. Today I totally worked through the whole personal space thing, I got way closer to sweaty people than I would ever have done before - there was sweaty skin on skin contact and I didnt freak out! Okay I did freak out but internally and coped with it all - even when the coach asked me if I wanted to sit out one of the activities I said no I'll try.

I've also put in for funding in work to complete my degree - my manager has been amazing and basically said she supports my application and she will support me to do this - she's  done OU herself and has even done 2 of the modules I want to do and has said she's willing to help me in anyway she can. I completed the funding form by myself and then passed it to my manager and the training manager to review - took on board their advice and made a couple of minor changes and its ready to go eep - if the funding gets agreed I'll know next month and then I'll be starting the degree in October. If it doesnt get agreed then I am going to ask for funding to do a welsh language course :)

I'm also putting in an application for  band 5 job, now I don't believe I will get this job but it shows that I am keen to progress - and hopefully I will get feedback to let me know how to improve for when another one comes up :)

Anyways thats what has been going on in my world :) Peace


Tuesday, 6 June 2017

Whinging post :/

Right now I am really struggling to fit in, be normal and sociable! This post is just a brain dump of me whinging - sorry!

I started roller derby and have been talking to new people- I wouldnt say making friends but making an effort to be less anti-social and weird. It's hard work and I am finding it really difficult to do but I am doing it - go me!

I also put myself forward to help out at 2 home games for the team - I did one on Sunday and it was awful like I wanted to go hide out in the bathroom until it was over. I didn't know what I was doing, I fucked up and I was in front of everyone- I had thought I might do something that would have me off to one side with other people not in the middle of the track by myself where any fuck ups could be seen by everyone :(

After that, I figured they wouldn't want me to help out at the next game or that maybe they would give me something else to do but nope next game same thing again - I think it must be a really unpopular job so they gave it to me as no-one else wants to do it. It's not for a couple of weeks but I feel  sick at doing it again but don't want to back out when I have said I would do it already.

My ankle is still sore it is taking ages to heal - okay its been just over a week but it feels like ages - like I was getting into a routine that I could manage - 3 x gym classes plus 2 x skating classes plus walking and cycling - I was actually enjoying it and could see some improvement in my fitness levels(although sadly not in my flabby body yet!) and starting to get  some more confidence and now phhht I feel like I am still useless again - like there is no point in trying.

I feel awkward at the gym but at least you work as an individual - in the skating sessions there is often work with another person and I don't feel comfortable to ask someone to work with me - they are all a lot better so working with me means they aren't going to get much from the session. Also it's a lot of personal space invasion which I am not good at I get freaked out about it. I'm trying but its hard everything is fucking hard.

I hate that I am so rubbish at everything, that simple interactions with people are so difficult. I can see why I am like I am, I just don't know how to get past it.