It's the time of year full of festive good cheer where friends and family meet up and pass on gifts, cards, wishes of joy and hugs. Which is really super awkward if like me you don't hug.
Now firstly let me start by saying I actually *want* to hug people, I want to be able to be care free and run up to friends (if I had friends) and greet them with a hug but I can't. It's like my brain is wired wrongly and can't seem to make the connection between the thought of hugging and the action. Hugging just feels alien to me, uncomfortable and weird. And here are the reasons why:
1. I wasn't hugged as a child - this isn't a woe pity me my childhood sucked throwaway comment - it's true I have zero recollection of being hugged or hugging anyone as a kid. Maybe I was but I just don't remember it. To be honest I have very few clear memories of life before I turned around 9 and those I do have don't lend themselves to warm fuzzies of family get togethers and everyone greeting each other with a smile and a hug. I don't blame my parents for this - I'm a socially awkward adult and it's taken me this long to develop enough social skills to get by - as a child I was probably quite foul. But anyways I don't think I ever learned to hug people properly. Which leads on to:
2. How exactly do you know when to hug someone anyways? Like when is it appropriate and when isn't it? What if you go in arms spread guns blazing so to speak and the other person is just expecting a friendly hand shake?
3. And whilst your about it how do you compensate for things like height differences? I mean if I go to hug someone taller than me and I end up with a face full of boobs I am not going to complain I personally am rather fond of boobs in all their forms but other people may not be so thrilled getting smooshed up against mine.
4. Talking of smooshing being fat what if my fat squidges into whoever I am hugging and repulses them to the point they vomit up their lightly fried sprouts and pancetta?
5. And what if I squeeze them too hard and break them? How do you decide how much pressure you apply with a hug? I mean do you stop at the point they start creaking ominously?
6. Then you have other considerations like, what if you both go in for the hug and end up facing each other and then breathing in each other's faces? What if one of you has bad breath? Or a cold or some other airborne disease that you are then breathing it over each other?
7. Speaking of diseases you dont need to be breathing on each other to spread them you can spread them by touch, what if the other person is dirty or smells really bad? Or they think that I smell really bad? It's possible I am bigger than most people so I sweat a lot (I wash a lot but I worry a lot about smelling)
8. Then there is the whole bodily function things - what if one of us sneezes, coughs, spits, burps etc on the other one by accident? It could happen. Also what if my breathing is too loud like hoooooorccchhhhh hooooorrrcccchhhhh Luke I am your hoooorrrccchhhhh Father type loud?
9. What if I am too fat for someone to hug - like they go to hug me but can't get their arms around me - awkward yes?
10. Also how long do you hold the hug for? What if I am there holding someone in a bear hug and they are thinking okay weirdo you should have let me go 3 minutes ago and now it's just awkward?
So yes, if I don't hug you it's nothing personal it's just that all of that goes through my head and by the time I have considered everything the moment to hug has passed or I have just said no because it's easier for me to avoid the hug and be considered cold and unfriendly!
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