The vanishing spider

No I didn't get sucked up by a vacuum cleaner!

So where have I been?

Well the simple answer is crazy busy so here is a super brief round up of what I have been up to and  promise to try and be more active!

1. At the end of Jan and into Feb I spent a week in Benidorm - it was fab

2. Second week of Feb I started a secondment in work - it was supposed to be until end of March, but has been extended to April and now May and may continue to be extended as the job I am covering hasnt been advertised yet

3. Gym - I started with a personal trainer and I have been going every week  for the last 2 months - I have also tried to up my actual attendance at the gym to 3 times a week - I  mostly hit that target

4. Skating - yeah I still have the skating bug - and the derby bug - I know it surprises me too this enjoyment of a team sport where I end up sweaty and gross and having other sweaty and gross people touch me! April is exactly one year since I started skating and this is also the month where  I have passed all my minimum skills except for laps (see the personal trainer who is helping me get fitter why? because I want to pass my bloody laps!) this means I can now do scrims and stuff which is both brilliant and also terrifying.

5. More skating - I've also been trying to be more involved in skatey stuff - so I have volunteered to help out at games and scrims which is great as I get to watch and learn more about derby

6. Social stuff - I've been out a lot, mainly to see drag, to the cinema, to see the circus and just generally doing stuff - crazily I have been out 2 or 3 times a week

7. Even more skatey stuff - so myself and a bunch of other nearly  passed skaters have been allowed to join the actual main league sessions on a Sunday so instead of an hour we get to spend 4 hours there - learning with the big girls and watching them scrim - again very scary !

So yeah that's kinda what I have been up to

Oh and I forgot- got a new corn snake too :D

#Veganaury is over!

Well it's now nearly two weeks post veganuary so here are 10 things that round it up:

1. Eating vegan when you have time to prep your food on the weekends  is super easy, grabbing a quick snack to go when you forget your lunch is a bit more limited (options include a plain jacket potato with beans, a veggie box from the local noodle bar and if you are superlucky and live in a big city like me then you might have a vegan quick food place), eating out with family and friends if you dont like salad can also be tricky but more and more companies are providing vegan options on their menus - tasty vegan options too!

2. Eating vegan requires an initial outlay and you have to pay more for animal free product items like 'marge' but when you weigh this against the cost of buying meat its actually cheaper especially if you are buying seasonal fruit and veggies.

3. The things I thought I would miss like bacon sarnies and chicken curry I didn't  - no what I missed most was cheese - I dreamed of cheese, cheese on toast, cheese topped lasagna, cheese on a stick with pineapple...well you get the drift

4. The first time I eat dairy products after being off them I bloated up like a hot air balloon (this makes me sad)

5. Trying to eat vegan at an all inclusive hotel in Benidorm is pretty much impossible - like these guys say a soup is veggie and then your like hey there's some weird meat floating in it and they are like yup thats the beef! Like since when has beef been veggie in any form?

6. I know that I am not going to continue with the vegan diet BUT I am going to continue to eat vegan and veggie dishes 4-5 days a week

7. Following the vegan diet left my skin in amazing condition (after the first week of detox hell where I looked like a 13 year old with a severe zit problem!)

8. Lets talk poo! Vegan diet = less poo (I know it surprised me too with all those veggies and beans!!!)

9. Another surprising side effect duet the first week and a bit of detox was the horrendous headaches and tiredness - like I literally can't even lift my own head tiredness!I guess this partially came from the reduction in the amount of cake and chocolate (I like milk chocolate!) When this passed I had a lot of energy I mean a LOT we are talking hitting the gym 5 day a week levels of energy plus skating 4 times a week and taking the dog for several miles of walking (the dog didnt enjoy this so much hes a porker)

10. People are taking veganism seriously now like it's no longer seen as a fad - big supermarkets are stocking alternative products, there are vegan food shops opening and vegan restaurants and big chain restaurants are offering vegan food too.

#Veganuary 2018 - Week 1

So I am on day 8 of veganuary!

Here is what I have learnt over the last week:

1. People are super judgmental about food choices - the number of people who have asked me why I am doing this, waved cakes/chocolates under my nose or demanded to know what I am eating. Who knew that so many people would care about what I eat hey?

2. Eating vegan is easier than I thought - so far I have had risottos, soups, porridge, peanut butter on toast, stews, casseroles, chili plus a fake away of vegan burger, fries and onion rings (with vegan battered pineapple! nom). I also managed to get a take out lunch from a vegan stall at Cardiff central market which was totally delicious!

3. Smoothies are king - okay I dont eat loads of fruit and veg normally but I have been utilising my food processor to make some fantastic smothies - I have even had veggies in them and they are good!

4. My body is not equipped for cutting out all the processed crap I normally eat - after 3 days of the vegan diet I started getting super bad headaches and feeling exhausted - I am pretty sure this is due to my body being so used to having processed foods and sugars! Happily the headaches have cleared now!

5. Following from 4 I have had some serious bad skin days maybe it's all the crap escaping but I have been seriously zitty! Again this appears to be clearing up now thank god - teen skin is not something I want!

6. Chocolate - I have been craving it like full on crazy cravings and also sugar - sweets, icecream I want it all! I have been combating these by eating lots of fruit (and the occasional party ring - did you know party rings are vegan? me neither until I  found it on a handy list of vegan foods!)

7. DOMs I normally hit up a protein bar or shake after the gym - as I havent found a vegan version yet (read as I haven't actually looked other than in the usual shops which only have whey products) I have had some killer DOMs and by killer I mean I did a class on Wed and was still suffering DOMs on Sunday! I've started trying to eat more nuts and peanut butter after the gym which is supposed to be a good source of protein - so far so good

8.  Other vegans are super supportive - I have been posting on my social media photos of my food and smoothies and also asking questions and I have had lots of positive feedback and advice - it's like one big happy family

#Veganuary - Day 1

Today is the 1st of January and also the first day of veganuary.

Luckily I slept late this morning - so late in fact that I didn't get up until the afternoon which meant I missed breakfast which is good because I forgot to buy the dream oat milk to use with my porridge!

So I had  a late lunch around 2pmish instead  of some of the vegan sausage casserole I made. It was actually pretty good.

I got a super craving for chocolate biscuits but  none of the sweet items I have at home are vegan sadly! So for snacks I have had some grapes and a tangerine, some cashew and peanuts and some root vegetable crisps and tortilla crisps (not whole bags like a small bowl of them all mixed up - although I could have eaten them all but then I'd not have any for tomorrow haha)

I made a simple potato and leek soup today - again in the slow cooker.

Ingredients:
1 leek washed, sliced and diced and lightly fried in rapeseed oil
about 10 salad potatoes  sliced and boiled
900 ml of vegetable stock (made with 2 x stock cubes)
1 tsp of lazy garlic

Everything chucked into the slow cooker on high for 2 hours, then I took my hand chopper/mixer thingy to it to make it less lumpy and more smooth - then the whole thing went back into the slowcooker to finish off on high for 4 hours.

Let it cool and then portioned it out ready to freeze - it made 4 portions plus enough left  over for tea whoop! 3 portions into the freezer and one out ready for lunch tomorrow

I also made some garlic croutons to go with it:

- 3 slices of white bread (I used the crusts as they make chunkier ones) chopped into approx 1-2cm squares

- I then poured around 50ml of rapeseed oil into a bowl and added in a tsp of lazy garlic plus some of the white vinegar juice it sits in and mixed the two together

- Then added in the bread pieces and mixed with a spoon so that every bit had a good covering of garlic and oil

- bread was then put on a baking tray in a single layer, a little bit of salt sprinkled on top and tray bunged in the oven on gas mark 4 for around 30 mins until crispy

- took them out and let them cool before putting them into a sealed tupperware container to keep ready to go in with the soup.

These should keep in the tub for about a week and are perfect to go on top of my soups and casseroles :)

I'm going to hit the shops tomorrow to buy some vegan spread as I want to make myself some banana and nut bread which will be perfect for snacks and for breakfast.

I also want to go to home bargains as I know they do vegan jelly beans there which I can use for any sugar cravings I get.

Day 1 has gone pretty well - hopefully tomorrow will be as easy

#Veganuary 2018 - Smokey Sausage Casserole

So I posted on @tinnedtoms post about veganuary and she pointed me in the direction of this easy recipe on her blog  - the recipe on her blog looked easy enough to do but I have to admit I just used it as a guideline - mainly because I am a rubbish cook and have zero ingredients in my cupboards! Also I don't like mashed potatoes which is what she served hers with.

Using her recipe as a guide I made my own version :):

Ingredients:

Pack of 6 Linda Mcartney veggie sausages (these are vegan unlike quorn ones as quorn uses egg as a binding agent)
1 leek
1 onion
1 tin of chopped tomatoes
1 tin of sliced carrots (I had no fresh!)
1 tin of sliced mushrooms (ditto above)
1 tin of baked beans with the sauce washed off
1/2 tin of kindey beans
1/2 tin of butter beans
1000 ml of veg stock (2 cubes - I was really surprised to learn that not all veg stock cubes are vegan - some have lactose in them which is a sugar from dairy!)
1 tsp of lazy garlic (the pre chopped stuff in a jar)
approx 10 small salad potatoes in their skins washed and chopped
1/2 a can of fruity cider (again so many have random animal products in them! mine didnt)

Method:

• Sliced and diced and washed the leek - lightly fried in olive oil until soft and added to the slow cooker
• Poured in the stock
• Added  in tin of tomatoes
• Added in tin of carrots
• Added in tin of mushrooms
• Washed tomato sauce off baked beans
• Added in backed beans
• Added in half tin of kidney and butter beans
• Sliced and diced the onion and lightly fried in olive oil - added  in garlic and added to slow cooker
• Washed and sliced potatoes - boiled until firm not soft and added to slow cooker
• Added some salt and pepper to slow cooker
• Cooked 6 pack of veggie sausages in oven, once cooked sliced each sausage into 6 pieces and added to slow cooker
• Poured in half a can of cider
• Cooked everything on medium heat of 3 hours
• Cooled and portioned out into containers ready to freeze 

Surprisingly it actually tastes  pretty good - smokey with a hint of fruity sweetness :D

It made a massive amount as well - after I portioned it out I had 5 large meal size portions and 2 smaller lunch size portions. 

Here's hoping the rest of the recipes I try turn out as well :)

#Veganuary 2018

Last year in January I did veggie-uary - I ate no meat or fish for the whole month. It was pretty difficult for me - I don't like salad or vegetables, I don't eat a lot of fruit either. It required me to plan my meals and try new foods and even though I only did it for a month I carried on with having veggie meals a couple of days a week for the rest of the year and started to regularly include fruit and veg in both my meals and snacks.

For 2018 I am going to actually take it further and do veganuary - no meat, no eggs, no cheese, no butter, no animal products of any kind - hell I am even going to avoid biting my nails for the month! I've checked in with vegan friends and asked for decent cheese substitutes there aren't any :( , scoped out the offerings in regards to vegan replacements for milk (dream oat milk for cereals - its so delicious and creamy unlike soy milk!) and things like vegan ready meals/frozen food - there are some so I won't have to cook everything from scratch whoot!

I've been scouring the net for easy recipes and for local cafes/restaurants that do vegan food as well - I am super lucky to live in a city like Cardiff where they have so many offerings.

Some people might wonder why on earth I would set myself a challenge like this, especially when I have been known to literally just eat meat and eggs for 3 meals a day! There are  a couple of reasons:

1. I am sure my carbon footprint like so many people in developed countries is huge! Eating vegan can cut your carbon footprint and help with climate change and the environmental issues caused by it. Everyone has a responsibility to take care of the Earth for future generations. My hope is that doing veganuary will help me introduce more vegan food into my diet in the future so that I can continue to reduce my carbon footprint.

2. I want to be a healthier me - this last year I have worked really hard to ensure I am eating more nutritionally well, a balanced and varied diet and to increase my fitness levels. Through exercise and the introduction of fruit and veg into my diet I have managed to get my diabetes under control - for the first time in nearly 15 years my blood glucose levels have been within the normal range. This is a huge thing for me and my diabetic team have told me if I continue to improve there may be opportunity to reduce the amount of medication I am on and also lower the risk of complications due to diabetes (these include blindness, amputation, heart/liver issues etc so that's a pretty big reason right there)

3. I actually like animals - I have 4 cats, a dog and 2 snakes - in the past I have had spiders, rats, mice, rabbits, birds, snails, stick insects, hamsters, fish etc if I don't think about it then eating animals and animal products is fine but when I do think about it I feel guilty - how can I claim to love one animal yet eat another? I don't need animal protein to survive. Worst is the conditions animals  are kept in, if they had happy lives up until the slaughterhouse then it wouldn't be so bad but thinking of animals suffering, being tortured, living in their own filth and being force fed just so I can have some cheap chicken fried rice is horrible. I try not to think about it really to be honest, like most people I act all shocked when the exposes come on the tv or in the papers but deep down we know it happens we just try to pretend it doesn't as we really want a bacon sarnie!

4. The amount of space needed for producing animal meat and animal products is massive.  The same amount of space used for growing veggies and crops would feed a greater population. With people starving and the cost of food increasing how can we justify using all that space? It's not just 3rd world countries either, in the UK more and more people are going hungry, turning to food banks because they can't afford to eat!

So that's it really, I am going to try veganuary and hope I can do it and the things I learn from it I can carry forward and continue with. I'm going to hopefully post my meal plans on the blog and link to recipes and things that turn out well for me, as well as posting about some of the vegan options in Cardiff.

I hope that some other people out there will give veganuary a shot as well :) If you are doing it please say hi - we can support each other through the medium of social media and the internet!

Progress and facing my fears - a self indulgent waffle!

This year has been a year of facing my fears - at the start of the year I made a conscious decision to 'grow a pair'. I made the choice to myself to do it and I *have* been doing it all year long.

And I am kinda proud of myself for doing it!

Things I have done/wanted to do that scare me:

1. Do more social things - so I don't always make the social events I agree to go to, I sometimes arrive late and leave early so I don't have to spend as much time there but I am trying. Every time I arrange something my brain wombles tell me no-one wants me there, that everyone thinks I am weird or odd, that no-one will actually speak to me, that I am going to do something so catastrophically awful that the entirety of Wales will banish me from their midst - melodramatic yes, illogical yes, but real thoughts and feelings? Absolutely!

But I have gone from going to enforced events 2-3 times a year to doing things a couple of times a month. And yeah, sometimes people don't speak to me but that's okay because sometimes I don't speak either, and some people think I am weird and odd and yeah that's okay too because I can be weird and odd and maybe some people don't want me there or are indifferent to whether I am there or not and that's also okay too

2. Try a sport and not just any sport but a team sport - I am not a team player, I'm not all go team. I don't get the whole high fiving thing (and not only because why the hell would you want to high five someone who has been doing an activity that is going to make them sweaty and revolting and also have they even washed their hands today?), the chants, the over emotional responses to winning or losing and so on. I don't like sharing my personal space with strangers and I don't like celebrating mediocrity like hey you tried a thing and it didn't work but well done for trying- whatever!

So clearly I had to choose a full contact team sport where people are all hot and sweaty and smelly and gross and encouraging and supportive *vom* and it was hard - not just the physical side of things because let's face it I am a fat unfit blob who is more flabs than abs - but the interpersonal skills side of it. It's like having your fear become a reality - the fear of being awful and rubbish and the worst one there and then you go and you are awful and rubbish and the worst one there! The first few sessions were hellish. People literally dripped sweat on me (and yes even typing that makes me want to throw up!), I've had to speak or rather shout stupid things out in a group of people, I've looked like a complete idiot and dick on numerous occasions, I've had to deal with the fact I suck, I've had people leaning on me, practically sitting on my lap and spinning around me and making really fucking uncomfortable eye contact. And these people are scary, they are good at what they do, they actually believe in the whole team thing! It's incredibly odd and unnerving and so hard.

I am glad I have been doing it. It has had a positive impact on my physical well being - my diabetes is so much more well controlled and this combined with going to the gym (another breeding ground for germs and oh so many feelings of inadequacy and confirmation of my own hideous fat physical appearance!) has led to me actually being a lot fitter and stronger.

I'm still not convinced by the whole team spirit thing but I am impressed watching how people work together to achieve some pretty cool things and watching the techniques and dedication of the players is, and I really hate to admit this, inspiring and kind of makes me want to be better too. I also discovered I quite like zoning out and skating around in circles.

3. Being more open - more open about my past and my mental health.

You know it's so hard to actually make the words come out of my mouth when speaking to someone to say I was in an abusive relationship, hell even typing it just makes me want to sink into a hole in the ground. There's so much shame and anxiety around it. Will people believe you, will they think you're weak and always that underlying feeling of it's all my own fault, I caused a perfectly reasonable nice person to do this thing. I have and I haven't  really succeeded with this, I have managed to post on a few forums where people don't know me personally (though I also then freaked out and deleted the posts as they contained a lot of detail), I have sort of mentioned it in passing as in my ex wasn't very nice and they were abusive but not the detail and I think that's okay its progress.

I've also told several people I have OCD and I have social anxiety. I mean I haven't told everyone and certainly not work and I don't go round wearing an OCD socially inadequate freaks of GB team shirt but I am acknowledging it. I struggle to put into words when I am speaking the impact it has but considering previously the only people who knew my diagnosis were me and my GP just telling people is enough.

What's  really been important for me this year though is recognising I am moving forward, it may be slow, it may be tiny steps, I may fall over but I continue to try.