Right now I am really struggling to fit in, be normal and sociable! This post is just a brain dump of me whinging - sorry!
I started roller derby and have been talking to new people- I wouldnt say making friends but making an effort to be less anti-social and weird. It's hard work and I am finding it really difficult to do but I am doing it - go me!
I also put myself forward to help out at 2 home games for the team - I did one on Sunday and it was awful like I wanted to go hide out in the bathroom until it was over. I didn't know what I was doing, I fucked up and I was in front of everyone- I had thought I might do something that would have me off to one side with other people not in the middle of the track by myself where any fuck ups could be seen by everyone :(
After that, I figured they wouldn't want me to help out at the next game or that maybe they would give me something else to do but nope next game same thing again - I think it must be a really unpopular job so they gave it to me as no-one else wants to do it. It's not for a couple of weeks but I feel sick at doing it again but don't want to back out when I have said I would do it already.
My ankle is still sore it is taking ages to heal - okay its been just over a week but it feels like ages - like I was getting into a routine that I could manage - 3 x gym classes plus 2 x skating classes plus walking and cycling - I was actually enjoying it and could see some improvement in my fitness levels(although sadly not in my flabby body yet!) and starting to get some more confidence and now phhht I feel like I am still useless again - like there is no point in trying.
I feel awkward at the gym but at least you work as an individual - in the skating sessions there is often work with another person and I don't feel comfortable to ask someone to work with me - they are all a lot better so working with me means they aren't going to get much from the session. Also it's a lot of personal space invasion which I am not good at I get freaked out about it. I'm trying but its hard everything is fucking hard.
I hate that I am so rubbish at everything, that simple interactions with people are so difficult. I can see why I am like I am, I just don't know how to get past it.